I've been home in Racine, WI for about a month and a half now, and I haven't been writing any entries. To be honest, my faith took a bit of a slip over the last few weeks. I've been reluctant to read my Bible, church hopping every Sunday, and forgetting to fuel myself through quiet prayer time with the Lord. My heart has been empty, and my actions have been anything but Christ-like.
Since I was saved last September, I haven't been home with my family and old friends other than a short time during holidays. Jesus said that "a prophet has little honor in his hometown, among his relatives, and on the streets he played in as a child." I am by no means a prophet, but I can understand what the Lord Jesus meant by this statement.
To those from my old life, I'll always be the same gossipy, ditsy Paige. Because of this, I found myself slipping back into my old ways, fast. I didn't have my Malibu Calvary Chapel church community to be build me up. I didn't have my nightly Bible studies. I didn't have hours of free time to spend with Jesus.
Therefore, I gave up on my faith. I threw my hands up in the air and figured that God probably hated me by now. I mean, I wasn't giving Him any time or energy, so why should He love me, anyways? I was miserable, hopeless, and lost.
The other day, I decided to pick up my Bible for the first time in quite a while. I had been halfheartedly praying about a certain problem I was having, not fully expecting an answer because of my resistance to Him. Even when I thought that God stopped caring, He answered my prayer right then and there! I had randomly opened my Bible to exactly what I needed to hear! I starting crying with tears of pure joy.
Even when I don't love God, He still chooses to love me. I had spent the last month acting like an unsaved sinner, yet He still cared enough to answer my prayer and speak to me through His word.
Boy, did God show me! He taught me that His love is not conditional. He'll love me whether I'm giving Him four hours a day of prayer or zero. It's not God who needs me, it's me who needs God!
This last month really brought the story of the Prodigal Son to life. After pushing away His goodness and shunning His word, He still welcomed me with open arms and a loving smile. We don't deserve a God like that, and it's so hard for me to wrap my head around how immense His love is.
Since then, I've been rebuilding my faith day by day through prayer, sermons, the Word, and journaling. With a God this good, how can I not give Him all my energy?
Next time you feel far from the Lord, listen to His whispers:
I'm. Still. Here.
