Um, That's Not Your Wife Bro

12 September, 2014

Quietly peering through the mango tree’s, he found her... the most beautiful, graceful, lovely being he’d ever dreamt up. Adam, God’s first creation, finally found the match he’d been waiting for. He’d been hoping with all his might he’d find someone to be his wife, and it was finally accomplished. She instantly became his prized possession, and he loved the way she styled her long, black hair, the way she bathed in the moonlight, and the way her big brown eyes shone in the sun. After courting her and performing a wedding ceremony, it became official.

They did everything together. She had a servant’s heart, climbing the highest trees to collect their favorite fruit, making her specialty dish of banana mashed potatoes. He’d comb her coarse hair, darkened from the rays, and he’d hold her rough hands, leathered from working hard in the garden.

After weeks of marriage, God asked Adam to name all the animals in the garden. Adam named the camel, the walrus, the chipmunk, the dove, the swan... he searched far and wide to find all the animals, looking for those that scurried and those that flew and those that galloped. He found all the animals, knowing how precious each one was to God, the creator, loving the job he’d been given.

After a long day of work, he’d finally found all the animals in the whole garden. Laying in his vine-stitched hammock, his wife tossed him a freshly picked banana as he closed his eyes for a nap.

“Adam!” he heard from behind.

Popping up, he quickly called back “Yes, my Lord?”

“Why are you relaxing when your job isn’t yet finished? I thought I told you to name every animal in the garden?”

“God, I did! I searched everywhere, and they’re all named perfectly! I did all you asked! Didn’t you hear me calling out their new names? Didn’t you see me looking under rocks, on the highest mountains, in the deepest caves? There’s no way I could’ve missed one!”

Shaking His head back and forth, God slowly lifted His finger to the being lying in the hammock next to Adam, his wife, his beloved, his cherished.

“No. No... What, what are you trying to say God? You’re calling my wife an animal? How dare you! She’s my precious gem, how could you say such a thing!”

“Adam. My dear, sweet sweet Adam. That is not your wife. That, my friend is what you’d call a gorilla. How could you not see the difference? Did you think because she was the most similar to you than the others it was your match? My dearest son, if you’d only waited a few days more I would’ve presented you a real woman, one you’d relate to on every level, a strong, confident, loving daughter of mine, not an animal. I’d been preparing her in Heaven for months, and had even given her a beautiful name: Eve. What were you thinking?

Astonished, Adam hung his head in despair, apologized to his wife, and walked away. Why hadn’t he just waited for the perfect girl? Why did he try to convince himself the gorilla was his true love? Didn’t he see the blatant differences between them, like how she could eat dozens and dozens of bananas every day or how her dark hair covered her entire body. He’d wondered why she was so good at climbing trees... it was all starting to make sense. Why didn’t he just ask His Lord for a companion? Why had he jumped the gun and taken the initiative? Slowly walking into a cave, he closed his eyes, fell asleep, and dreamt of what could’ve been.

Crazy story, serious message: our culture tells us, as women, we need to find a man as soon as possible. From watching the Little Mermaid as a toddler to reading Cosmo as a teen, us women get bombarded with the message that finding a man will give ultimate acceptance, security, and fulfillment. Women on television are often shown fighting over men, doing all they can to catch a guy no matter what the stakes. (cough, cough, The Bachelor)

As a single woman, I can sometimes be tempted to think like the world thinks. “Well, he’s a good looking guy, and he has an Audi in his garage, maybe I should just marry him?” But, knowing I need to wait on God’s timing, I try to refrain, trusting God's guiding hand to lead one of his chosen sons to be my groom. I know I don’t need to go on a man hunt for acceptance. If I have to wait another ten years (heaven forbid), I know God’s behind it 100%.

I’ve learned to see Jesus as my ultimate romancer. He lived a perfect life and died for me, taking every slap, kick, punch, and insult because of His love. No man I could ever find, no matter how brave or courageous, would ever do that for me. Jesus is the one I say good morning to, the one I tell goodnight, the one who knows my innermost thoughts, the one who can heal my broken heart. Jesus holds my life in the palm of His hands, and He will never leave me alone.

Unlike Adam (in this light-hearted, mythical story, obviously), I choose not to fall for the wrong one. Handing God the pen, I know I can trust His path. Step back, Nicholas Sparks, because my Author is the best in the business, knitting together a perfect, gorilla-free story for me. Trust in Him, and I guarantee He’ll write a kick-butt story for you, too, babydoll.

^ This song couldn't be any more fitting.... lol.