Well, is his watch a Rolex?
30 April, 2015
Charlie: Why do people choose the wrong people to date?
Mr. Callahan: We accept the love we think we deserve.
Charlie: Can we help them see they deserve more?
Mr. Callahan: Well, we can try.
- The Perks of Being a Wallflower
And that, in a nutshell, is what I hope to do with my life. To help all of us - no matter our shortcomings - understand just how worthy we are of a companion who see's us as precious jewels.
Unfortunately, we often feed the worldwide insecurity beast by critiquing the love interest choices of our peers. It happens to the best of us (I myself am guilty), judging what we see to be 'lopsided' relationships:
"How did she snag him, he could have anyone he wanted?"
"How did he start dating her, she's so much cuter than he is?"
"What does she see in him, he's going nowhere in life?"
"How can he stand being with her, she's dated everyone on the block?"
By discerning which couples "fit together" and which don't, we're basically notioning some people are more worthy than others. For girls, it's almost always based on outward appearance. Lips? Plump and polished. Nose? Straight and narrow. Hair? Full and face-framing. There's an unspoken checklist we use in our thought-process to distinguish who's pretty and who's not.
And for boys? It's less about looks (although muscles, height, and nice hair are seen as a plus) and more about material possesions. Does he have a 401(k)? A luxury car? A paid-off condo on the water? A motorcycle, boat, and Cirrus plane?
Listening to Good Charlotte's song "Girls Don't Like Boys Girls Like Cars and Money" on the radio the other day, I scoffed. "No they don't.." But after sitting on it, I had to admit its truth. And I am definitely guilty of feeling more attracted to someone when I saw an Audi in the parking lot. It's human nature.
These unspoken rules lead to us subconsciously judging couples for imbalance. But, who are we to find some people higher on the totem pole of worth over others? And doing so, where do we match up against everyone? What would people say if we started dating someone "out of our league," so to speak?
It's easy to create a mental checklist of things we absolutely need in a future mate. But, when we overextend ourselves (thinking he/she needs a 7-figure job, a Lambo, a modeling career, and a star on the Walk of Fame), then we're just fooling ourselves. That being said, it's just as important not to shortchange ourselves (thinking certain people would never take a second look at us because we're not worthy enough).
God is the world's absolute best matchmaker. He created you, and He knows who you're best suited for, and vice versa. He's not worried about giving you someone other's will see as 'better' or 'worse' than you, He's focused on giving you someone to grow old with!
A mental checklist for a future husband/wife is a great idea, it can help you distinguish who's Mr. Right or Mrs. Wrong. But my words of advice, shift the list away from physical features, such as appearance, weight, job, car, bank account... and veer more toward their character. Don't listen to what other's say about looks and finances being #1, focus instead on who they are on the inside. Here's some things every single Christian should look for:
1. Someone humble & teachable
According to Proverbs 9:9: "Give instruction to a wise man/woman, and they will become wiser; teach a righteous man/woman, and they will increase in learning." Marry someone who isn't afraid to hear the honest truth, not only from you but from their boss, their parents, your pastor, whoever! This life is a journey of continually growing ourselves. Find someone ready and willing to become the best they can be.
2. Someone honest
Ephesians 4:8 says: "Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him/her labor, doing honest work with their own hands, so they may have something to share with anyone in need." Find someone with integrity, always quick to give and hesitant to take. Someone who makes an honest living doing what they love.
3. Someone able to provide
Ladies, find a man who can provide for you and your family. Someone with a hard-work ethic and a desire to take care of you. Men, find a woman with a heart of gold to provide your kids with the spiritual strength they'll need. And for both, find someone who, if you ever passed away, you would know would take care of your children both spiritually and financially with ease.
4. Someone willing to stand up for you
I recently went on a dinner date, and a random guy carrying a beer bumped into me. (no beer was spilled, TYG) The boy I was with didn't say a thing to the guy, and it was a little weird. When he asked me to go out again, I told him no. Call me shallow, but I want someone a) tough b) ready to come to my rescue c) not afraid to speak up. I'm not advising you find someone with an anger problem who'll punch anyone who looks your way, but find someone who see's you as precious cargo. And men, find a woman who will stand up for you in conversation, not a woman who'll complain about you to her friends.
5. Someone selfless
The Bible explains a man should love his wife as if she were his own body. (1 Tim. 5:8) Find someone with a deep love for you and for others; someone who will want your very best and do anything they can to make your best happen. Just as Christ died for the church, so should a husband and wife die to their own desires (to an extent) to please the other.
To finish with another quote from The Perks - welcome to the island of misfit toys. We are not perfect, not even one of us. We live with ourselves; we see every embarassing moment, shortcoming, and mistake we make. Let that teach you two things: 1) no one is always faultless, not even the models on the Abercrombie bags, so don't tell yourself you aren't worthy of certain people; & 2) don't hold another to too high of a standard; they will fail you, as you will fail them at some point.
Keep you eyes peeled for someone holding those important qualities in the list above. Then, and only then, will you truly find a princess in sparkling white or a knight in shining armor. Meanwhile, do your best to work on those qualities yourself! Allow God to prepare your heart for your future.
& lastly, don't let anyone call your future relationship lopsided, we all accept the love we think we deserve, right? And you, beloved, deserve the best. Not necessarily the best looking or best bank account - but someone with the best views on God, life, and you.
