ϟ On to the Next One ϟ
23 April, 2015
I have a tendency to fall for guys easily. I used to collect boyfriends like Floyd Mayweather collects luxury cars. If I went to a party and kissed someone I'd just met, it was no biggie. If I had a boyfriend and talked to two other guys on the side, it was normal.
You know that song Irreplaceable by Beyonce? How she say's "I could have another you in a minute, matter of fact he'll be here in a minute?" Yeah, well, I wholeheartedly lived out those lyrics, keeping flirty with a handful of boys just in case something went wrong with my #1.
I remember one instance: I had just fought with my then-boyfriend. I was hanging out with some girlfriend's soon after, and I told them I wasn't worried, listing off the possible boys I could start dating instead. "This guy messages me on Facebook, this one blows up my phone, this one winks at me every time I see him..."
I thought I had the perfect plan. I'd never get my heart broken, I could literally just move on to the next one. The fact that Jay Z's song was set as my ringtone didn't help.
I thought I was cool. Who wouldn't, right? I could make sure I was always taken, never having to be that "poor, single girl" in the bunch. I was set, and my heart wouldn't get scratched once.
Little did I know, having attention from boys does not equate worth. In fact, lots of attention from boys usually means your Facebook pictures are a little risque, you're being a tad too flirty with too many people, and you "put yourself out there" too often.
I thought, "Golly gee, I must really be great if I could date any one of these guys."
But, looking back in hindsight, I can't help but cringe. Those days, although at the time I thought were harmless and fun, were actually full of insecurity, compromise, and brokenness. It was no wonder boys were 
talking to me with the lifestyle I was living: touching guys on their arm every time I saw them, partying far too frequently, laughing a bit too loud at their jokes. The reason I was asked to go on dates was not because I was special, it was because I was desperate and looking for love in any crook and cranny I could find. (btw... does anyone know what a cranny actually is?)
I was a lost, broken little girl looking for acceptance. Acknowledgement from the male species was my drug, and I never quite felt complete.
Then one day, out of the blue, I met a man who shattered it all. He blew my mind, opening my heart to what real love meant: Real love means one person. Real love means acceptance. Real love means waiting. Real love means trust.
I had never met anyone quite like him before. He loved me just as I was, no questions asked. He knew about my broken past of serial dating. He knew about my insecurity. He knew about my self-doubt. And what did he do, you ask? While any decent man would have ran the opposite direction, he sat with me while I cried to him. He wiped my tears, telling me there was a plan and a purpose for my life. He whispered how beautiful I was, how courageous I was, & how funny I was. He even told me he wanted me to be his precious girl, not just for a day, or a week, but for my whole life.
Speechless, I was awe-struck. How could someone love me, with all my baggage? How could someone sit with me for so long, telling me how worthy I was to him? How could someone accept me just as I was?
The reason, my friends, is that, although I had made a million mistakes, he knew he could help me change. He knew I was capable of far more than what I had done, and that I had the potential I had to turn my life around, and even encourage others in the process!
Where did I find such a kind-hearted, loving, nonjudgemental man, you ask? In the Pepperdine chapel, on September 16, 2012. The man's name, ladies, was Jesus Christ.
Sure, you may have heard of him... maybe you've seen him in a stain glass window holding a staff, maybe you've see his statue on a wooden cross with a sad look on his face and a crown of thorns on his head, maybe you've seen him on a necklace around your grandma's neck...
Well, I had seen him those places too. He never really looked all that happy, and I sure did not desire a relationship with a stain glass window. Because that's all he was, right? A man written about 2,000 years ago? Sure, maybe he really was the "son of God," but what did that have to do with me?
That night in the chapel, it all became clear. No longer was Jesus a necklace around grandma's neck: He became a real person. So real, I knew with HIS help, I could do anything! I could quit partying, I could live as a single woman, I could become secure in myself and my ability. I could live in freedom, without the cobwebs of sin I had intertwined into my life. I could live in light, free of all the darkness I was used to. No longer did I need a boyfriend. No longer did I need to flirt with every boy I met. No longer did I need to obsess over my appearance or what I said or did. I no longer had to please anybody but God! The scales fell off my eyes, and I was a new woman.
Do I still make mistakes? Absolutely. I hadn't kissed a single guy since that night until about three months ago, of which I kissed THREE in about a month's span. I felt sick about it. But, ya know what? I'm glad, because it stirred up my obvious need for Jesus in my heart again. Is there anything wrong with kissing boys? Absolutely not, it's fine. But when you kiss multiple in a matter of weeks, all for the purpose of trying to feel worthy? Then we've got a problem, Houstonette.
Allow Him into your life, it may surprise you. All that darkness you do your best to cover up? You know - the lust, the insecurity, the depression, the pressure, the drugs, the sexual sin, whatever! It can all be washed away through the blood of Christ. The kicker is - He may ask you to change up a few things in your life, but in return you'll live a clean, spacious, free, peaceful life you could absolutely never achieve without Him. I stand behind that 100%.
What do you do now? Follow my lead:
"Jesus, I'm broken. I'm a sinner, and I don't deserve for you to even hear me, but I know you do. I know you can heal the hurting and change people's lives. I know you make beautiful things out of dust, and I humbly ask You to use Your infinite power to help me. Give me the life You have for me. Take away all the crap in my life, You know what it is Jesus, and toss it as far as the East is from the West. Make me a brand new person. A woman of strength and respect and dignity. Make me a role model, Jesus. Give me the free, spacious life You promise."
Pray with confidence and I promise you'll receive an anwer. Be blessed, dear sisters, and remember - Jesus has enough grace to cover us all. ♡
Jesus wants to fight for you. Will you let Him?
